This week has been emotional and challenging.
I was facilitating a workshop with a co-worker and she kept cutting me off in front of the group of people. Well, I didn’t handle it well. I was very much in touch with my anger, I was livid, and I let it show. She played it well, and I lost.
It’s not the first time it happened and it’s not the last one. I didn’t take time to breathe and let go of my emotions, I actually was fueling the fire by thinking about it over and over.
Reflecting on the interaction, I realized I gave up the only control I had – control over myself. I was hoping to become friends with her and was trying to not only accommodate her personality but also bring myself down so she wouldn’t feel threatened or intimidated. I gave up almost all my power and lost. I lost a battle with myself. It really has nothing to do with her, she is just an archetype that keeps bringing my own struggle with my emotion to the forefront and we are probably even similar in some way – strong individuals.
I was upset that it happened again and decided to sit down and map out what has happened. It was not the emotion of the moment, it was an emotion dragging from the day prior: we had a short interaction, I had emotional reaction, I made a decision of how I was going to act and I carried it out as well as anything else I commit to. Being a Scorpio by zodiac sign, I stayed true to my nature and I hurt myself more than the other party.
There were three forms of expression – emotional, psychological and behavioral (physical). At first I was overwhelmed by how much ground I’d have to cover to start interrupting this pattern. But writing it down and looking at it visually made so much sense! The solution was right in front of me. Since I know that it starts with emotion, then it transforms into psychological (inner dialog and rumination) and then into behavioral (I shut down, cross my arms, make a straight face, etc), I can tackle root cause first. The other two seem to be the outcomes.
My plan is do dump all the emotions on paper next time I catch myself in it or breathe until I can. Simple but for a reason – I have to interrupt myself immediately, and to be able to execute it fast.
Never again I’m giving my power away – I’m going to fight with myself until I master it. My goal is to not eradicate the emotions but channel them differently. I have so much passion for life and my emotions confirm that I fucking love every second of it!